Being a mum with bipolar

Posts tagged ‘stayathomemum’

Looking Back

Image

First picture of me and the girls together (I hate my picture being taken!!)

 

Its the twins birthday today, cannot believe they are 2!!! Time sure has flown but then we have hardly had time to sit around with these two, they have kept us on our toes since day 1. As its their birthday I have been thinking a lot about their birth and the last 2 years, realizing I have never really told anyone the full story as it had always been too hard and figured people wouldn’t want to hear, but as you lot get to choose whether to read this or not I will let you make your own minds up lol.

Image

As big as I got, this was taken at 29+2 weeks

It all started 2 weeks before I was dues to start college, I had organized childcare for the older 2, got supplies and was ready to go, then the sever tummy pains started. I went to the Dr thinking is was my I.B.S playing up and I needed some new meds. When the Dr examined me she looked very worried and ask me to take a pregnancy test, I laughed at first as Tom and I had been careful as we didn’t want anymore children right now, I humored her and took the test, which came out negative, she felt my tummy again and asked me to sit down. She explained that she thinks I am having an ectopic pregnancy and it is quite advanced meaning I will probably need surgery. She rang the early pregnancy unit and got me an appointment there and then, told me to call Tom, get him to pack me a bag and meet me at the surgery as she didn’t want me leaving, I was terrified. We got to the early pregnancy unit and a nurse examined me which caused so much pain as she was pushing quite hard and then got the Dr straight away, he also examined me and look worried, he told us the same thing the G.P said but he wanted to do a quick scan just to see what was happening. The sonographer took what seemed like a life time to check and then she turned to Tom and said ‘what do you see?’ He looked at the screen then looked at me, I thought it was bad, it must be, he has gone pale. She then turned the screen to me, I looked 5 times then she nodded, I had seen right, it was 2 perfectly healthy babies! I was 10weeks 2days with twins and had no idea!! The Dr explained I had a really bad urine infection which they think had tampered with the pregnancy test hence the wrong result. So in 3 hours I had gone from facing surgery and possibly not having children anymore to being pregnant with twins and embarrassingly enough all I could say was ‘my house isn’t big enough I only have 2 bedrooms!’

Fast forward to just after Xmas, I had a good pregnancy, no scares, wasn’t too huge, managing OK until the first school run of the new year. I was walking home when the pains started, I thought it was due to not having done much exercise over Xmas so I promised myself a rest when I got home. Got home made a brew and watched Jeremy Kyle all the pains were gone. Got up to do something only to find I had wet myself, annoyed I went to change but the more I walked the more it kept coming, I knew exactly what it was and then the pain kicked in again. I am only 29 weeks how can this be happening, its too early? I called Tom, my mum and the hospital and off I went. I was taken into a side room and examined, at first it was just the usual type and then next thing I noticed the Dr had a torch on her head and was really looking, now I was really worried, to need that she must have found something. She explained twin 1s waters had gone, I was 4cm dilated, in labour and twin 1 was footling breech and being so small her feet could fit through my cervix already. They gave me steroids and muscles relaxants as well as a drip as I was dehydrated and it can help build the babies waters back up if the hole in the amniotic sac repaired itself. It was the scariest 48 hours of my life, I wasn’t ready and they weren’t ready, I knew nothing about premature babies but I knew this early was not good. I was watched closely during the night  as my heart rate was so high the monitors kept alarming as I was tacycardic and they couldn’t tell it apart from the twins. The Dr examined me and said that my cervix had closed and twin 1 had moved to being breech so we could go home, I had to drink lots of water and eat lots of protein to try and build twin 1s water back up. Exactly a week later I wake up to a soaked bed, exactly what I feared, twins 2s waters had gone now as well, we rang the hospital but was told as I wasn’t in labour I didn’t need to go in and just stick to the weekly consultant appointments. 2 days later I have bad back ache I put it down to not being allowed to move unless I was going to the loo or bed. Wrong!! I woke in the morning wanting to push, I walked round and no contractions but had the overwhelming urge to push, I stopped myself and went to grab a drink, as I sat down the biggest contraction ever hit me, I was in labour again and it was laying or standing easing the contractions to nothing more than an ache but when I sat it was agony. We got to the hospital and was taken to a delivery suite and hooked up to the monitors and just like home as soon as I laid down it all eased up, the contractions didn’t show on the monitor and my tummy wasn’t going hard so the Dr scanned me and just as we suspected neither baby had any water around them except a tiny pocket on the top of twin 2s head (which comes in handy later). The Dr said the pain is probably because their is not much of a cushion between me and the babies so it is causing me pain (turned out I did gain 2 cracked ribs at some point) so he said if nothing happened by 5.30 I could go. At 1ish the midwife gave me some pethidine telling me it would relax me so I could get some sleep as I looked shattered, I reluctantly took it (wanted a drug free labour and birth) and started to doze. Tom went for a coffee and to ring everyone to tell them it was another false alarm. Half an hour went by and just before he walked back in I felt a pop, it now felt like I had a bubble sat in my cervix, it was a weird feeling but I knew it wasn’t right, I tried grabbing the buzzer but it was too far away and I wasn’t allowed to move because of the pethidine, I had just opened my mouth to shout when he walked in. I explained it to him and he laughed, saying it was probably the last of the waters welling in my birth canal and as soon as I stand up it would go but he called the midwife. She examined me then peered up and looked at me. Uh oh what was it? I started to well up and looked at Tom. The midwife informed me the bubble was actually Twin 1s bum moving through my cervix and that there is no stopping it now, the babies are coming today, then shot off to get the Dr. I looked at Tom and started to cry, I am only 30+3 weeks its too soon, they will be small and poorly, there must be something they can do to keep them in surely? I always thought babies had to be born after your waters had gone but I was wrong about that so perhaps the midwife was wrong about them coming today. Tom calmed me down and told me he knew I could do this and we had to be strong for the babies, the more I stressed, the more they stressed, so I wiped away the tears and put my fighting face on, I could do this I could be brave for them. The Dr came in and told me that whilst the babies were nice and calm due to their positions I had to have a section. I broke down, I am terrified of being numbed and of surgery. I was shaking and having a panic attack but I agreed. I signed the forms, put the stockings on and took the pre-meds. I was still terrified and everyone could see it. Then out of the blue the Dr said he would let me try naturally as I had had 2 previous text book births but only on the understanding that the minute something didn’t look right I would go and have section, he said he wouldn’t give me an epidural so if I needed a section I would have to be knocked out. I was relieved, even if it was too soon and the babies were in the wrong positions I was still able to have the birth I wanted. The midwife told me the pethidine would be wearing off but as it stated in my plan I didn’t want any drugs she would stick to that but if I wanted more I only had to ask. I was wheeled up to the surgical delivery suite and it was tiny compared to the room I was just in. There was me on a bed, Tom, 2 midwives, a Dr and a scanning machine and it was cramped already. I asked if I could push yet but the midwife needed to sort my drip out ready for when twin 1 was born (its something that keeps the contractions going so I could deliver twin 2) and we needed to wait for the NICU team. I didn’t really take it in all I could feel was the urge to push again. I was on my back and now I couldn’t even feel the contraction. The midwife kept asking how the pain was and I kept telling her there was none but apparently the monitor said different. The NICU team arrived with incubators and re-suss trolleys. There was a Dr and 3 nurses and we were all cramped in this time room. Looking round it suddenly hit me, my babies are gonna be tiny and poorly and I’m not going to be able to help them, they are going have to rely on these people not me to make them better. I didn’t know what to expect when they arrived, would they be breathing, what would they look like, would they cry, could they even cry yet? I was allowed to push as was the NICU team was ready, with one push twins 1s bum arrived, the Dr then made me stop as he needed to check using a scan there were no cords wrapped round the babies neck, once I was given the OK, I pushed again, it was a bizarre feeling, I had given birth twice before and delivering a baby never felt like that and then I heard the most piercing scream, I looked round then realized, it was my baby! She was actually crying!! She was held up briefly for me to see then passed to the NICU Dr whom then sorted her out, the Dr spoke to Tom but meanwhile I was delivering something else, quickly scanning me the Dr realized it was only her placenta. Whilst scanning me the Dr had seen Twin 2 was still laying transverse (sideways) tucked under my ribs and he said judging by her heart rate she was sleeping. After all that had just happened, she was sound asleep!! He said he would try to externally turn her and explained what it was. He was basically going to push my tummy around until she turned the right way. He was really pulling on my belly and digging his hands in then all of a sudden I got that feeling you get when you go over a bump in the car, it was her turning and she was now head down and the midwife told me to get ready to push. I had a few contractions but she wasn’t budging, she was comfy and wasn’t going anywhere. 30 mins had passed and the Dr told if she didn’t come soon he would have to take me for a section, I really didn’t want that so asked if there was anything else he could do, he said he could try a manual extraction but didn’t know if it would work so I said give it a try. OMG it was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life!! I didn’t quite realize what he ment but what he did mean was trying to pull the baby out by hand!! I was in agony and I kept asking him to stop but he wouldn’t, I could even see his hand on the scan!! After a few minutes of me begging him to stop, Tom threatened to punch him if he didn’t stop as this was traumatic enough for me without him ignoring me asking him to stop. The Dr apologized and said there was one more thing he could try and if it didn’t work it would have to be a section as it had been nearly an hour. He got one of the tools they use to break your waters (little hook thing) and ‘broke’ the little pocket of water that was left on top of baby’s head, as he pulled his hand away, she followed but unlike Hollie she didn’t cry and she didn’t look right, he handed her over to the NICU Dr who began working on her. He said she was having trouble breathing so was giving her some oxygen to try and help her. The Dr called my attention back to him so I could deliver the placenta. When I had done that they started wheeling Hollie away, I caught a quick glimpse of her but she was all covered up in the incubator and all I could see was her hand and I couldn’t believe how tiny it was. They wheeled me down to the ward whilst the NICU Dr stayed in the room getting Georgia stabilized before moving her, he promised as I left that if there was any news we would be told straight away if not when we got to the NICU he would have a chat and tell us what was going on.

I got back to the ward and got up, showered and dressed straight away, the midwives hadn’t even had chance to make my tea and toast they had offered in the time it took me to do all that, I wasn’t hanging about, as soon as I was allowed, I was going to the NICU to see my girls. I walked over to the bed to sort my stuff out only for my trousers to fall down. I was in the maternity trousers I wore to the hospital as I hadn’t brought a hospital bag as I hadn’t even packed one and certainly wasn’t expecting to have the babies today, I was still in shock it had happened. It was a weird feeling because I was happy, sad, angry and scared all in one go. My babies had arrived, I had the birth I had wanted and planned but it was 10 weeks early so my babies were poorly and up until 10 days ago there was no sign that this was even a possibility. Tom made some phones calls and let people know only for him to get the same question, what did they weigh? Then it dawned on me as it wasn’t a ‘normal’ birth they didn’t weigh them so we had no idea. I went off and asked the midwives when they weigh premature babies and they said they would ring as down as they normally do it when the baby is admitted. I heard her on the phone and heard the weights, I was speechless, thought it must have heard wrong so waited until she was off the phone, I did hear right. Hollie was 2lb 15oz and Georgia was 3lb 1oz. That was so tiny, up until then Skie was my smallest at 5lb 12oz and everyone commented then about how tiny she was and she had to wear prem clothes for the first month! I was checked by the midwife and given the all clear to go to the ward. I couldn’t move quick enough!!!

The rest of the girls NICU journey I have described in a previous post, I don’t want to go over it again today I want to remember the happiest times, not the time full of worry and uncertainty but 2 years on I can’t believe how much they have changed and grown. That day I could’ve never have pictured spending their 2nd birthday, dancing with them to Disney songs, listening to them singing each other happy birthday and watching them play together. Every time I look at my girls it reminds me that no matter how small you are you have the capability to fight, that no matter who you are you can overcome something even when the odds count against you and it is possible to move on and be healthy, happy and love life. The girls and their journey have taught me to appreciate the little things and to make the most of everything. When I am down I look at them and ask myself what do I have to be sad about, why aren’t I making the most of things, I am very lucky things have turned out the way they have and to sit their in self pity is just ungrateful and selfish and most of the time it jolts me back to real world. I am very lucky and privileged to be blessed with 4 happy healthy children and sometimes I need to remind myself of that and looking at the all of the kids but especially the twins and remembering their journey does just that.

Image

The girls first picture together at a week old (Hollie on the left, Georgia on the right)

 

Image

Hollies first day in clothes at 3 weeks old

 

Image

 

Georgias first day in clothes at 3 weeks old

Image

First picture of all 4 of my beautiful babies

Image

First Christmas (they were poorly and were admitted to hospital in the new year)

Image

On their first birthday, Hollie was discharged from hospital the day before (Hollie on the left, Georgia on the right)

Image

Today on their 2nd birthday!!!!!

 

 

Advertisements

My Jack

I’ve not written for a while, our house has been riddled with sickness bugs and chest infections so I have been rather busy trying to avoid a hospital admission (so far so good).

My Jack is definitely one in a million and has probably been the hardest in terms of behaviour to look after. He was a grumpy and clingy baby and up until the age of 2 he would not leave my side. It was quite stressful when he was young, Skie was 2 when he was born and whilst she loved her brother and I tried to split my time, with him being so clingy it was hard. I tried all the usual stuff, letting him get on with it, not giving in when he hassled to be picked up and not letting him bully Skie into getting off my lap or sitting next to me so he could but nothing worked, the violence and his temper just got worse.

When he turned 3 we made the decision to put him in playgroup a couple of afternoons to help with the clingyness and attachment issues and it did seem to work, he got better but his temper didn’t. If Jack decided one day he didn’t want to get dressed there was nothing you could say or do to change his mind. There were times he was still in his pyjamas as I was walking out the door and it was only when he saw I really was going to make him go to school like that he would rush up to get changed.

His playgroup journey was a bumpy one but all in all in was a good one. I had amazing support from the staff, they were always there for a talk, vent or cry and would do what ever they could to help. He adored and still does his keyworker and still asks about her a lot, luckily she is a family friend so he does get to see her and it is lovely to see his little eyes light up when he sees her.

Being a nursery teacher and having worked in the role of a senco for a short time (as well as having my own my mental health issues) I had my worries there was more to his behaviour than it being ‘just him’ but I brushed them aside under the belief that too much knowledge makes you see things that aren’t there. The term before he started mainstream school and shortly after the twins were born he had taken a backward step, which we all expected given the circumstances, but I just needed some help. I was so worried his outbursts were seriously going to hurt someone. When he had a meltdown, it didn’t matter who got in his way, if you were in his path you soon regretted it. With 2 new babies and Skie in the house this couldn’t carry on, his strength was amazing when he was angry and at 4 years old I was started to struggle to restrain him to stop him hurting anyone. It was decided to set up meetings between myself and everyone else who cared for Jack in one way or another to see what we could all do to help. Mostly it worked well, the biggest problem was people not showing up, the only meeting everyone involved showed up was the one we had whilst he was still in playgroup, the meetings there after there would always be excuses from people as to why they couldnt come. It made me angry and sad as it felt like my son wasn’t important enough to go to a meeting for.

His behaviour during reception year at school I think was the worst we had ever seen. He did have a lot to deal with; house move, Tom and me seperating, starting school, twin sisters all in a year and on his first day the girls were admitted to hospital so that wasn’t the best start. We plodded on with daily red cards (the school uses the traffic light system and red cards are usually given if violence occurs) and him coming home in a foul mood and the rest of us would know about it. I hated going to school in the afternoon. As the teacher walked across the playground I would always think to myself ‘please don’t come to me, please don’t come to me’ but 9 times out of 10 she was coming to me with a bit of paper and a sad look on her face. All the suggestions in the meetings weren’t working, neither were the parenting courses. I would regularly end up trying to hold back the tears whilst the teacher described what Jack had done to another student, how angry he was and how they couldn’t calm him down and had to remove him for the safety of the other children. I just kept thinking what am I doing wrong, why is he like this, is it my fault? I tried approaching parents of the children he had hurt but they weren’t interested, my son had hurt their kid, most of the time for no reason and of course it is all my fault. I walk across that playground feeling like a criminal and the worst mother in the world because my son keeps hurting children for no reason. I can’t help but think if they got to know him they would see my loving, affectionate, little dude who loves to dance and have a cuddle, but they don’t care, all they see is the ‘class bully’ and a ‘thug’. He is barely invited to parties, doesn’t go to friends houses or have friends here, its sad and heartbreaking to see, I know how it feels to be that person and it isn’t a nice place to be but I am doing my best to get him what he needs.

I had a meeting with his teacher a couple of weeks ago (first time a.teacher has sat down and spoke to me, honestly and in detail) and I learnt a lot about my little dude. He loves art, he will spend hours working on one piece of work, no marks outside the lines, bright and detailed. His teacher says he is a joy to watch when he is doing it and the focus he has is unbelieveable. He also doodles when he is doing written work, on every piece of work he is given you will see doodle marks all round the outside. However, his confidence in doing work is the complete opposite, if he makes a mistake instead of crossing it out and carrying on, he has a meltdown and can not get over the fact he has made a mistake. The end result is usually that his teacher has to move him to calm down before giving him a fresh piece of work but then this can cause more issues because all the time he has spent calming down means he doesn’t finish his work therefore not completing the task he has been set. Most of the violence happens at lunch times whilst in a crowded noisy playground. We don’t think he is being a bully but it’s that he simply cannot cope with the amount of noise and people and causes him to get panicked and stressed which then causes him to lash out when people approach him, so, his teacher is now going to try and find lunch clubs he would like to participate in to get him out the playground and into a calmer environment.

After 3 years we are finally making progress. He still can’t handle loud noises or new smells and still has his tics (clapping and clicking with his mouth) and violence has by no means stopped but we are now seeing more positive things come to light like his art, his amazing memory, he loves performing infront of people especially at majorettes so now we are slowly getting the support. I am hoping people start to see the happy, confident, loving little boy I see instead of the scared ‘thug’ that hits people.

Sometimes people need to see it from another perspective other than their own so next time your child tells you about ‘that boy’ who hit someone for no reason or cried because he made a silly mistake on his work, instead making an instant judgement about his parents stop and think perhaps there is more to it than that and all that parent needs instead of judgement is a small smile or a nod across the playground to know at least one person doesn’t dislike her or her child and that small gesture will do more for her than you will ever know.

Thanks for reading, would love to hear you feedback.

Down days

I seem to be having these a lot more recently, I think its down to the weather change and time of year.

I have different levels of down days, there is the can’t be arsed to move days, cry and take offence to everything days and the my life is crap nothing goes right days. Yesterday was a mixture of all 3.  I cried when I couldn’t get out of bed and Skie had to help because my hips were playing up, I cried because I couldn’t find the clothes I wanted to wear and I cried because we had run out of painkillers. I even rung Tom in tears just because I wanted someone to talk to and felt lonely.

It is horrible being like it because when Tom asks whats wrong and why I am so emotional I can’t give him an answer because I have no idea, I just want to spend the day crying and hiding. I also get really agitated and snappy so then that causes fall outs between me and everyone else in the house. A lot of the time when I am like it I don’t do a lot, if anything, round the house so after a day of the twins destroying things and playing, the house is a state so Tom gets cross as he has to do everything I should’ve done as well as go to work. I fully understand why he gets worked up over it and we argue as after all I have spent all day doing nothing as he has been out to work but I can’t help it, once I am in that mind set I just can’t motivate myself to do anything or I think to myself ‘I’ll do it in a bit’ and never do. These days always seem to drag and it feels like I am in this state for weeks but according to Tom is usually passes after 3 or 4 days and then I have to spend the next week catching up on washing etc and making it up to everyone as I have been horrible to live with. It can’t be easy for them to put up with someone where everything is negative no matter what happens and I am sure it rubs off so everyone ends up miserable.

I am aware of how much my moods affect the entire house but no matter how hard I try and hide it, it always surfaces and it is usually Tom that gets the brunt of it. I can say really mean and hurtful things to him or not talk to him at all, I know how pissed off I’d be if he did that to me for no reason so for him to have put up with it all these years I must be doing something right!

Thanks for reading, would love to hear ur feedback xxx

The shopping trip

I hate shopping and I hate supermarkets! All those people trying to get up and down isles grabbing stuff off the shelf and not being able to steer a trolley for dear life, it is no fun at all! Atlhough today wasn’t too bad, there were still people who couldn’t steer trolleys and those who can’t hear you shout excuse me as loud as you can while you struggle to get past them without ramming everyones ankles but I am in a good mood and had some fun lol.

Firstly we went down the toy isle. I love the toy isle!! All those noisy, irrtating toys you pray no one buys for your kids, yet nothing is more amusing than setting everything off at the same time then walk off watching the shop assistant desperatly trying to turn them off. By the time I get to the end of the isle I am laughing so much I am crying and bent double over the trolley and the girls are pulling my hair. Whilst this is going on Tom is behind me shaking his head asking why he brought me shopping, which, just makes me laugh even more.

We continue relatively uneventful down the food isles, getting the usual stares and comments about the twins but as I am in one of those moods I decided not to get them hump but humour people. As they walk past me and say ‘oooohhhh twins’ I reply whilst trying not to laugh ‘yes twins I have 2 babies’ to which I burst out laughing and so do the girls and the stranger gives me a wierd look and rushes off. Tom is not impressed and informs me we will get kicked out if I carry on so I answer is that a challenge and he raises his eyebrows at me and makes me laugh again lol.

We get to the checkout and I unload as usual but everything has to be in groups; frozen, packets, tins etc and if that order is messed up I get the hump so Tom decides to muddle them up. I ask him to stop and put it back but the more I react the more he does it so I moan, to which the checkout lady tells him off for winding me up when I was just trying to get on with the shopping. That was the point I lost it and laughed so much I almost wet myself as after all that all Tom had been trying to do for the last hour!!

We get to the car, load up and shut the doors, I then get told I am banned from all supermarkets and toy shops whilst I am in this mood. So it looks like Tom is doing all the christmas present and food shopping on his own this year lol.

Thanks for reading would love to hear your feedback xxx

Twin Trivia

image

Being a mum of multiples was not something I had ever imagined in my wildest dreams but then not many mums of multiples do unless there are a lot of twins in their family. The last person to have twins in my family were my great grandparents (my grandads parents). When you first find out the shock, joy and mostly fear hit you hard. All sorts of questions go through your head. How will you manage with 2 babies, how are you going to make space in your home, are they going to be healthy, will I cope with the pregnancy. Having already had 2 children, one (Skie) being a very content baby, sleeping through, eating well and another (Jack) whom didn’t sleep, screamed constantly and was a fussy eater I was terrified. What if one was like Skie and the other like Jack or both like Jack and I don’t get any sleep for the next 2 years. Then you get home and do your research and find a majority of mulitple pregnancies end early and the babies are premature so you worry even more. I spent my pregnancy worried but was one of those ones who thought it wouldnt happen to me, but, I was wrong and the girls arrived at 30 weeks, 10 weeks early. Our nicu (neonatal intensive care unit) stay was relatively straight forward compared to most which we are extremely greatful for and they came home after 5 weeks.

Homecoming was a whole new experience. Something I was not expecting upon trying to get back to day to day life was the ‘twin trivia’ that happened daily. Everytime you leave the house you get stopped by all sorts of people and you get the questions that now when the girls are nearly 2 I am bored of answering. They are;
Are they twins?
Are they boys or girls? (Even when they are head to toe in pink)
Were they natural?
Are they identical?
Do twins run in your family?
Did you have a cesearian?

As you can see some of these qusetions, when asked by a stranger are extremely personnal and not something you want to discuss in the street with a stranger. The natural question and birth question really get to me and do make me angry. Does it matter if I had IVF or if they were concieved naturally? In all honestly do you actually care? Do you really need to know if I had a cesarian or not? What difference does it make? Yes I know people are only showing an interest and I probably sound harsh but when it takes 2 hours to do a 10 minute shopping trip its annoying! I dont see that same person who has just quizzed me, asking the mum behind me who has a newborn all these questions. It make me feel like me and my girls are a freak show sometimes and at one point I didn’t want to leave the house.
Another way of dealing with it is to let them talk and just nod in the right place cos they will always tell u about how their auntys cousin twice removed had twins and they will ask the questions and answer it themselves. Are they girls? Oh yes they must be (i nod) are they identical, they look it (i nod cos we dont actually know if they are or not) are there twins in the family (i answer yes as Toms brothers and his nan are twins but what I fail to tell them is it had nothing to do with Toms genetics its was all me but they wont care or believe me so i keep quiet) and then they go on their merry way all smiles cos they met twins, mean while I have just has the same conversation for the 10th time and am getting hacked off. My way of dealing with it now it to avoid eye contact. As soon as u see someone pointing and saying ‘ohhhhh twins’ my head goes down and Im off!!

Triggers!

People of the bipolar community often ask each other what their ‘triggers’ are so we can avoid talking about that particular subject as to not upset anyone. I have been asked on numerous occasions what mine are and I can never answer a clear answer. Well I have been thinking about it and despite the stresses of running a house, kids, and having a partner I barely see, I would say my biggest trigger is Facebook. Yep you read right, Facebook. I check my facebook a lot, write statuses, post pics of the kids and share quotes etc but reading my newsfeed can and does trigger me.

I can usually catogorize people in to 3 things. You have the negative people where nothing is ever right and everyones against them, the positive people where everything is perfect and nothing ever goes wrong and the ‘normal’ people where they have good and bad days but get on with it.

You have the people that always write something negative, that the world is against them, nothing ever goes right then on the odd occasion you see them write a positive one only for them then to comment something negative on it 2 mintutes later. This triggers me because basically I get fed up with seeing it and it frustrates me and the negativity rubs off on me. I think to myself of all the things this person does in their day the one thing they pick to write about is the negative. They also like to share lots of sad videos and quotes about peoples lives being hard etc and those trigger me and depress me even more. There could’ve been hundreds of positive things the could write about but they always choose the negative. I call these people the ‘eeyores’ and nowadays they are hidden from me feed as it just gets to me and causes me to be in a foul mood.

Then you have the complete opposite, someone whose life is perfect, house is like a show home, kids that never misbehave and a partner that spoils them rotten. They do trigger me as well but not as much, it does depress me when I see so and so write their partner surprised them with a holiday or their kids were up and dressed by 8 blah blah blah but I shouldn’t really get annoyed as they are just doing what I want the depressing people to do lol

Not everyone is like this, most people don’t write statuses at all and when they do they are a mixture and I like reading these peoples statuses because it reassures me that sometimes what I am going through isn’t because of my ‘illness’ its because I am a mum, partner and homemaker.

I feel I am more consious of what I write nowadays and try not to write negative things or even go on facebook when I am in a bad mood or feeling depressed as I know it can and will trigger me. I try to keep my facebook about making memories, putting pics up of the kids, writing statuses of things that I don’t want to forget so occassionally I go back through the years and remind myself of all the good stuff we have been up to as a family, kids first trip to somewhere, first words etc. I am not suggesting I have never ranted or moaned as I have (I can remember quite a few of them, most recently about my boiler breaking) but I try and keep it balanced as I don’t want people to think I am super mum or an eeyore. I want people to think I am me, I am like everyone one else, I have good and bad days and cherish the good and move on from bad, I don’t know if this is actually how I come across but I hope I do. Although I am pretty sure I just come across as a mum spending her day taking pictures of herself and her kids and watching the twins make a mess but these are the memories I want to remember and look back on and say ‘I miss those days’ rather than looking back on it and thinking ‘god I was depressing’ or ‘my life was so hard then’ as that isn’t the part you want to remember when u look back on your kids childhoods, you want to remember the time they shoved 6 toilet rolls down the toilet and flushed it because in a few years 1 it will be funny by then and 2 it is gunna embarass them rotten!!

Hello blogging world!!!

I am not quite sure how to start all this so I will start with an introduction. I am Anne, I’m 26 from Suffolk in the U.K. I have a partner Tom whom I have been with for 11 years (with a couple of break ups in there) and we have 4 children together; Skie 8, Jack 6 and twins Hollie and Georgia 1. The reason for starting this blog is that I am a stay at home mum who has rapid cycle bipolar disorder. The difference between my bipolar and others is that my moods change more frequently than most (hence the rapid part). Everyday things can affect my mood easily, a sad song can spin me in to depression where as a quick song can make me manic so I do have to be aware of my surroundings more than most to a point. Anyway I am writing to show people that yes I am bipolar but no it does not stop me being a good mum, in fact, it pushes me to try even harder to be a good mum to prove my point. I live a life very typical of a stay at home mum, cooking, cleaning, washing and school runs (just to name a few) but on top of the stresses of that I have to deal with what bipolar brings like anxiety, paranoia, depression, mania, insomnia and many other things. I am going to write about my days/weeks so you can see from my point of view how different every day things can be for me but also how it is possible to deal with them and still be a good mum and partner. I hope you enjoy reading my babblings and what my family and me get up to and deal with things and it changes even if its just a little, your view on bipolar and what it really means to have mental health issues.

So where to start? I am not sure but I don’t want anyone think I am some betty crocker housewife because I’m not by any means. At the moment the washing up is stacked up so is the washing along with everything else, but I am in one of those moods where I don’t care! My kids have been fed and washed and are in bed and it is nothing that can’t wait until tomorrow. These are the days I hate most because unlike most people I don’t eventually get up and do it, I leave it and leave it until its a state or Tom gets home from work and after some moaning does it for me. Yea is harsh as he has just done a 12 hour night shift and I have sat and done nothing but I just can’t help it, I just can’t find that bit of umph to get it done. It sounds so silly as I write it as after all it is partly what I stay at home for but nothing I say to myself convinces me to get off the sofa.

A lot of people don’t see it as I don’t tell them but Tom does have to put up with an awful lot of crap from me and looking back I wonder how on earth he managed to deal with it all. There have been times I have been so depressed I have refused to get out of bed when he wakes me or I have been so manic he has had to hide the bank cards which means he then has to do all the shopping and bills cos if I do it the lot would be gone on rubbish that realistically we neither want or need but seemed a good idea at the time. I can and do close off, don’t talk to him or go near him and he says it is like living with a stranger never getting more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ out of me which must frustrate him cos it would me. There are advantages to my bipolar and during manic times I don’t stop it is like someone has fed me redbull, I bake, cook, clean and our ‘private time’ is more active than normal as I have so much energy. I do suffer with anxiety and paranoia so sometimes when you mix that into it, it makes Toms life even harder. I accuse him of affairs, I become to anxious to leave the house as I think people are staring at me or after me so he has do all anything that involves leaving the house. I even once removed all females from his facebook and phone contacts including his mum as I was so convinced he was cheating, most men would run a mile but instead he gave me his phone and all is logging details and let me get on with it!!

I am not always either depressed or manic, it isn’t like I am in one or the other all the time, I can go weeks sometimes with out feeling too up or too down and just ‘normal’ and these are the times I make it up to him and show him that it isn’t me really thinking these things its just all part of ‘the disorder’ but he already knows that, we argue like couples do but nothing extreme its just maybe over more trivial things than other couples and never tends to last long as eventually I hear how stupid I sound and shut up amd apologise lol.

How do I deal with the kids and all this? Well one day at a time. The twins are home all day and love nothing more than being tornadoes in every room in the house. On a manic day I join them, then have fun cleaning up and on down days I leave the mess and clean it when they’re are done. They never fail to make me laugh everyday, they are the best therapy I could ever be offered. They are so close and spend the day holding hands round the house and playing together, how could anyone not smile at that? The older 2 are awesome they are so clever and bright so much so they use my moods to their advantage lol. They can see when I am in a can’t be bothered mood so make the most of it and cause mayhem running around, shouting, fighting but they know they can only get away with so much as no matter what mood I am in the kids come above my feelings and I will not let them get hurt or endanger themselves just cos of my mood. They love it when I am manic as usually means me baking lots of cakes and cookies and dancing round the living room with the music blaring and playing silly games most mums wouldnt, how many mums do you know decide instead of telling their kids off for bouncing on the bed, joins them!!

Thanks for reading, would love to hear your feedback xxx