I am not quite sure how to start all this so I will start with an introduction. I am Anne, I’m 26 from Suffolk in the U.K. I have a partner Tom whom I have been with for 11 years (with a couple of break ups in there) and we have 4 children together; Skie 8, Jack 6 and twins Hollie and Georgia 1. The reason for starting this blog is that I am a stay at home mum who has rapid cycle bipolar disorder. The difference between my bipolar and others is that my moods change more frequently than most (hence the rapid part). Everyday things can affect my mood easily, a sad song can spin me in to depression where as a quick song can make me manic so I do have to be aware of my surroundings more than most to a point. Anyway I am writing to show people that yes I am bipolar but no it does not stop me being a good mum, in fact, it pushes me to try even harder to be a good mum to prove my point. I live a life very typical of a stay at home mum, cooking, cleaning, washing and school runs (just to name a few) but on top of the stresses of that I have to deal with what bipolar brings like anxiety, paranoia, depression, mania, insomnia and many other things. I am going to write about my days/weeks so you can see from my point of view how different every day things can be for me but also how it is possible to deal with them and still be a good mum and partner. I hope you enjoy reading my babblings and what my family and me get up to and deal with things and it changes even if its just a little, your view on bipolar and what it really means to have mental health issues.
So where to start? I am not sure but I don’t want anyone think I am some betty crocker housewife because I’m not by any means. At the moment the washing up is stacked up so is the washing along with everything else, but I am in one of those moods where I don’t care! My kids have been fed and washed and are in bed and it is nothing that can’t wait until tomorrow. These are the days I hate most because unlike most people I don’t eventually get up and do it, I leave it and leave it until its a state or Tom gets home from work and after some moaning does it for me. Yea is harsh as he has just done a 12 hour night shift and I have sat and done nothing but I just can’t help it, I just can’t find that bit of umph to get it done. It sounds so silly as I write it as after all it is partly what I stay at home for but nothing I say to myself convinces me to get off the sofa.
A lot of people don’t see it as I don’t tell them but Tom does have to put up with an awful lot of crap from me and looking back I wonder how on earth he managed to deal with it all. There have been times I have been so depressed I have refused to get out of bed when he wakes me or I have been so manic he has had to hide the bank cards which means he then has to do all the shopping and bills cos if I do it the lot would be gone on rubbish that realistically we neither want or need but seemed a good idea at the time. I can and do close off, don’t talk to him or go near him and he says it is like living with a stranger never getting more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ out of me which must frustrate him cos it would me. There are advantages to my bipolar and during manic times I don’t stop it is like someone has fed me redbull, I bake, cook, clean and our ‘private time’ is more active than normal as I have so much energy. I do suffer with anxiety and paranoia so sometimes when you mix that into it, it makes Toms life even harder. I accuse him of affairs, I become to anxious to leave the house as I think people are staring at me or after me so he has do all anything that involves leaving the house. I even once removed all females from his facebook and phone contacts including his mum as I was so convinced he was cheating, most men would run a mile but instead he gave me his phone and all is logging details and let me get on with it!!
I am not always either depressed or manic, it isn’t like I am in one or the other all the time, I can go weeks sometimes with out feeling too up or too down and just ‘normal’ and these are the times I make it up to him and show him that it isn’t me really thinking these things its just all part of ‘the disorder’ but he already knows that, we argue like couples do but nothing extreme its just maybe over more trivial things than other couples and never tends to last long as eventually I hear how stupid I sound and shut up amd apologise lol.
How do I deal with the kids and all this? Well one day at a time. The twins are home all day and love nothing more than being tornadoes in every room in the house. On a manic day I join them, then have fun cleaning up and on down days I leave the mess and clean it when they’re are done. They never fail to make me laugh everyday, they are the best therapy I could ever be offered. They are so close and spend the day holding hands round the house and playing together, how could anyone not smile at that? The older 2 are awesome they are so clever and bright so much so they use my moods to their advantage lol. They can see when I am in a can’t be bothered mood so make the most of it and cause mayhem running around, shouting, fighting but they know they can only get away with so much as no matter what mood I am in the kids come above my feelings and I will not let them get hurt or endanger themselves just cos of my mood. They love it when I am manic as usually means me baking lots of cakes and cookies and dancing round the living room with the music blaring and playing silly games most mums wouldnt, how many mums do you know decide instead of telling their kids off for bouncing on the bed, joins them!!
Thanks for reading, would love to hear your feedback xxx