Being a mum with bipolar

Archive for November, 2013

Twin Trivia


Being a mum of multiples was not something I had ever imagined in my wildest dreams but then not many mums of multiples do unless there are a lot of twins in their family. The last person to have twins in my family were my great grandparents (my grandads parents). When you first find out the shock, joy and mostly fear hit you hard. All sorts of questions go through your head. How will you manage with 2 babies, how are you going to make space in your home, are they going to be healthy, will I cope with the pregnancy. Having already had 2 children, one (Skie) being a very content baby, sleeping through, eating well and another (Jack) whom didn’t sleep, screamed constantly and was a fussy eater I was terrified. What if one was like Skie and the other like Jack or both like Jack and I don’t get any sleep for the next 2 years. Then you get home and do your research and find a majority of mulitple pregnancies end early and the babies are premature so you worry even more. I spent my pregnancy worried but was one of those ones who thought it wouldnt happen to me, but, I was wrong and the girls arrived at 30 weeks, 10 weeks early. Our nicu (neonatal intensive care unit) stay was relatively straight forward compared to most which we are extremely greatful for and they came home after 5 weeks.

Homecoming was a whole new experience. Something I was not expecting upon trying to get back to day to day life was the ‘twin trivia’ that happened daily. Everytime you leave the house you get stopped by all sorts of people and you get the questions that now when the girls are nearly 2 I am bored of answering. They are;
Are they twins?
Are they boys or girls? (Even when they are head to toe in pink)
Were they natural?
Are they identical?
Do twins run in your family?
Did you have a cesearian?

As you can see some of these qusetions, when asked by a stranger are extremely personnal and not something you want to discuss in the street with a stranger. The natural question and birth question really get to me and do make me angry. Does it matter if I had IVF or if they were concieved naturally? In all honestly do you actually care? Do you really need to know if I had a cesarian or not? What difference does it make? Yes I know people are only showing an interest and I probably sound harsh but when it takes 2 hours to do a 10 minute shopping trip its annoying! I dont see that same person who has just quizzed me, asking the mum behind me who has a newborn all these questions. It make me feel like me and my girls are a freak show sometimes and at one point I didn’t want to leave the house.
Another way of dealing with it is to let them talk and just nod in the right place cos they will always tell u about how their auntys cousin twice removed had twins and they will ask the questions and answer it themselves. Are they girls? Oh yes they must be (i nod) are they identical, they look it (i nod cos we dont actually know if they are or not) are there twins in the family (i answer yes as Toms brothers and his nan are twins but what I fail to tell them is it had nothing to do with Toms genetics its was all me but they wont care or believe me so i keep quiet) and then they go on their merry way all smiles cos they met twins, mean while I have just has the same conversation for the 10th time and am getting hacked off. My way of dealing with it now it to avoid eye contact. As soon as u see someone pointing and saying ‘ohhhhh twins’ my head goes down and Im off!!



People of the bipolar community often ask each other what their ‘triggers’ are so we can avoid talking about that particular subject as to not upset anyone. I have been asked on numerous occasions what mine are and I can never answer a clear answer. Well I have been thinking about it and despite the stresses of running a house, kids, and having a partner I barely see, I would say my biggest trigger is Facebook. Yep you read right, Facebook. I check my facebook a lot, write statuses, post pics of the kids and share quotes etc but reading my newsfeed can and does trigger me.

I can usually catogorize people in to 3 things. You have the negative people where nothing is ever right and everyones against them, the positive people where everything is perfect and nothing ever goes wrong and the ‘normal’ people where they have good and bad days but get on with it.

You have the people that always write something negative, that the world is against them, nothing ever goes right then on the odd occasion you see them write a positive one only for them then to comment something negative on it 2 mintutes later. This triggers me because basically I get fed up with seeing it and it frustrates me and the negativity rubs off on me. I think to myself of all the things this person does in their day the one thing they pick to write about is the negative. They also like to share lots of sad videos and quotes about peoples lives being hard etc and those trigger me and depress me even more. There could’ve been hundreds of positive things the could write about but they always choose the negative. I call these people the ‘eeyores’ and nowadays they are hidden from me feed as it just gets to me and causes me to be in a foul mood.

Then you have the complete opposite, someone whose life is perfect, house is like a show home, kids that never misbehave and a partner that spoils them rotten. They do trigger me as well but not as much, it does depress me when I see so and so write their partner surprised them with a holiday or their kids were up and dressed by 8 blah blah blah but I shouldn’t really get annoyed as they are just doing what I want the depressing people to do lol

Not everyone is like this, most people don’t write statuses at all and when they do they are a mixture and I like reading these peoples statuses because it reassures me that sometimes what I am going through isn’t because of my ‘illness’ its because I am a mum, partner and homemaker.

I feel I am more consious of what I write nowadays and try not to write negative things or even go on facebook when I am in a bad mood or feeling depressed as I know it can and will trigger me. I try to keep my facebook about making memories, putting pics up of the kids, writing statuses of things that I don’t want to forget so occassionally I go back through the years and remind myself of all the good stuff we have been up to as a family, kids first trip to somewhere, first words etc. I am not suggesting I have never ranted or moaned as I have (I can remember quite a few of them, most recently about my boiler breaking) but I try and keep it balanced as I don’t want people to think I am super mum or an eeyore. I want people to think I am me, I am like everyone one else, I have good and bad days and cherish the good and move on from bad, I don’t know if this is actually how I come across but I hope I do. Although I am pretty sure I just come across as a mum spending her day taking pictures of herself and her kids and watching the twins make a mess but these are the memories I want to remember and look back on and say ‘I miss those days’ rather than looking back on it and thinking ‘god I was depressing’ or ‘my life was so hard then’ as that isn’t the part you want to remember when u look back on your kids childhoods, you want to remember the time they shoved 6 toilet rolls down the toilet and flushed it because in a few years 1 it will be funny by then and 2 it is gunna embarass them rotten!!

School runs and temper tantrums!!

Nobody likes mornings and I am included in that but what makes them especially worse is when Tom comes straight to bed after work so we can have a cuddle before I get up as we don’t really get chance any other time, but I don’t have a cuddle and get up, I cuddle and go back to sleep. This makes the hour before school a nightmare! I have to get the 4 kids ready to leave and their breakfast. No problem you say? Jack hates being told what to do so the more you tell him the more he shouts the house down in protest. He is quite happy to wonder round the house in his pants all day playing with cars so there is my first battle. Next we have Skie she is my mother hen, keeps me sane and lends a hand when needed BUT she does have my temper and stubborness so you can imagine how that pans out when she decides she doesn’t want to do something!! Then there is the twins, they hate having the nappy changed and getting dressed so I have 2 babies running in opposite directions trying to hide. Once Hollie hid in the tumble dryer and I was convinced she had ran out the back door until suddenly the tumble dryer door flew open and u heard ‘booooooo’ Georgia found it hilarious and then slammed it shut so Hollie could do it again, needless to say at the time it wasn’t funny. However their new trick is to go and get in bed with Tom and hide under the duvet so I can’t find them, I only found them cos Tom hadnt quite dozed off and txt me so they didnt know I was coming! Eventually everyone is ready and its time to go, the easy bit, yes? No!! The twins want to walk so as soon as they see the buggy we have 2 babies throwing themselves to the floor and screaming or ones trying to run down the road whilst I am strapping the other in. We then have the older 2 fighting and swinging their bookbags to hit each other so I tell them off and they run away!! We get to school normally just as the bell goes and it is just me and the twins so less stressful UNTIL I get to the front door and yet again I have forgot my keys, no point trying to wake Tom as it aint happening so now I have figured a way to break in as it happens so often!! So next time you dread the school run think of this as I am sure it will put a smile on your face lol 🙂

Thanks for reading, would love to hear your feedback xxx

Hello blogging world!!!

I am not quite sure how to start all this so I will start with an introduction. I am Anne, I’m 26 from Suffolk in the U.K. I have a partner Tom whom I have been with for 11 years (with a couple of break ups in there) and we have 4 children together; Skie 8, Jack 6 and twins Hollie and Georgia 1. The reason for starting this blog is that I am a stay at home mum who has rapid cycle bipolar disorder. The difference between my bipolar and others is that my moods change more frequently than most (hence the rapid part). Everyday things can affect my mood easily, a sad song can spin me in to depression where as a quick song can make me manic so I do have to be aware of my surroundings more than most to a point. Anyway I am writing to show people that yes I am bipolar but no it does not stop me being a good mum, in fact, it pushes me to try even harder to be a good mum to prove my point. I live a life very typical of a stay at home mum, cooking, cleaning, washing and school runs (just to name a few) but on top of the stresses of that I have to deal with what bipolar brings like anxiety, paranoia, depression, mania, insomnia and many other things. I am going to write about my days/weeks so you can see from my point of view how different every day things can be for me but also how it is possible to deal with them and still be a good mum and partner. I hope you enjoy reading my babblings and what my family and me get up to and deal with things and it changes even if its just a little, your view on bipolar and what it really means to have mental health issues.

So where to start? I am not sure but I don’t want anyone think I am some betty crocker housewife because I’m not by any means. At the moment the washing up is stacked up so is the washing along with everything else, but I am in one of those moods where I don’t care! My kids have been fed and washed and are in bed and it is nothing that can’t wait until tomorrow. These are the days I hate most because unlike most people I don’t eventually get up and do it, I leave it and leave it until its a state or Tom gets home from work and after some moaning does it for me. Yea is harsh as he has just done a 12 hour night shift and I have sat and done nothing but I just can’t help it, I just can’t find that bit of umph to get it done. It sounds so silly as I write it as after all it is partly what I stay at home for but nothing I say to myself convinces me to get off the sofa.

A lot of people don’t see it as I don’t tell them but Tom does have to put up with an awful lot of crap from me and looking back I wonder how on earth he managed to deal with it all. There have been times I have been so depressed I have refused to get out of bed when he wakes me or I have been so manic he has had to hide the bank cards which means he then has to do all the shopping and bills cos if I do it the lot would be gone on rubbish that realistically we neither want or need but seemed a good idea at the time. I can and do close off, don’t talk to him or go near him and he says it is like living with a stranger never getting more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ out of me which must frustrate him cos it would me. There are advantages to my bipolar and during manic times I don’t stop it is like someone has fed me redbull, I bake, cook, clean and our ‘private time’ is more active than normal as I have so much energy. I do suffer with anxiety and paranoia so sometimes when you mix that into it, it makes Toms life even harder. I accuse him of affairs, I become to anxious to leave the house as I think people are staring at me or after me so he has do all anything that involves leaving the house. I even once removed all females from his facebook and phone contacts including his mum as I was so convinced he was cheating, most men would run a mile but instead he gave me his phone and all is logging details and let me get on with it!!

I am not always either depressed or manic, it isn’t like I am in one or the other all the time, I can go weeks sometimes with out feeling too up or too down and just ‘normal’ and these are the times I make it up to him and show him that it isn’t me really thinking these things its just all part of ‘the disorder’ but he already knows that, we argue like couples do but nothing extreme its just maybe over more trivial things than other couples and never tends to last long as eventually I hear how stupid I sound and shut up amd apologise lol.

How do I deal with the kids and all this? Well one day at a time. The twins are home all day and love nothing more than being tornadoes in every room in the house. On a manic day I join them, then have fun cleaning up and on down days I leave the mess and clean it when they’re are done. They never fail to make me laugh everyday, they are the best therapy I could ever be offered. They are so close and spend the day holding hands round the house and playing together, how could anyone not smile at that? The older 2 are awesome they are so clever and bright so much so they use my moods to their advantage lol. They can see when I am in a can’t be bothered mood so make the most of it and cause mayhem running around, shouting, fighting but they know they can only get away with so much as no matter what mood I am in the kids come above my feelings and I will not let them get hurt or endanger themselves just cos of my mood. They love it when I am manic as usually means me baking lots of cakes and cookies and dancing round the living room with the music blaring and playing silly games most mums wouldnt, how many mums do you know decide instead of telling their kids off for bouncing on the bed, joins them!!

Thanks for reading, would love to hear your feedback xxx